nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
