We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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