**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Help me help you realize you are a moron
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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