i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
