Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
