Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
