You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
