The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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