I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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