Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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