Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
