I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
