can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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