He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
