I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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