I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
