Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
