i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
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