And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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