i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize