Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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