you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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