i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
