you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
