mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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