I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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