I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
no, he came in my armpit
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
