Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
i think i just lost a toe
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
