oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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