Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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