all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
