When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
