Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
