Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
