I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
