im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You can't just leave with hair like that
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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