apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Randomize
