Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
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