can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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