i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
