I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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