so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
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I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize