I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
