A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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