did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
