I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
