GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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