i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
