The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
