I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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