well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Hippo gnu deer
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
