An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
