my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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