my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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