Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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