Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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