At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
