I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Randomize
